I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot today. I not only got out of bed, I successfully showered, got ready and got my 4 year old ready and out the door. I even got her and myself to work and daycare on time! This may seem like a super small accomplishment to be celebrating, but some days it’s all you can do.
It was one of those mornings where the reality hit me. I should have 3 babies in my house right now. I should have a 4 year old, a toddler and a new born. I should be on maternity leave right now. Ok, my due date wasn’t until the 27th, but I was supposed to have a scheduled C-section by now with a new squishy in my arms.
It’s the time where you go to the mailbox and see everyone’s smiles and kids’ faces staring back at you. I so badly wish our cards could include all 3 kids in the same photo and all sleeping under the same roof. This week it’s not the loss of Logan and Love that has been hurting me, it’s the loss of the memories they aren’t a part of. I won’t get to see them waking up early Christmas morning, or asking how much longer until Christmas. I won’t bake special cookies with them or read them the Christmas story in the same way I can with Allie. It’s a gut punch some days of what my life isn’t.
I know it’s a myth we tell ourselves that Christmas should be this perfect time of year. We should have all these great memories. I know I’ve had past holiday’s where snow prevented us from going anywhere. And the one where the pie was dropped! I know my past holidays were far from perfect, so wanting this one to be that is an unrealistic fantasy. I just would just settle for normal. I would like to be able to say my sons name and not tearing up as much. I would settle for just feeling peace for the next couple weeks.