Just your Monday PSA, that no one has it all figured out. That awesome blogger who has her kids hair combed and smiling at the camera with a fresh “homemade dinner” probably has a pile of dishes next to the camera and a million out with kids having meltdowns!
That mom who is managing all the activities and career is probably struggling with guilt that there’s not enough quality time while trying do #allthethings
No one has it all totally figured out! Be the best you can with what you know right now!
Faith it til you make it my fellow #bossbabes
Let’s have a little coffee chat, shall we! Pull up a stool and sit down. There’s a few things you should know about me before we move any further. I’m messy and caffeinated woman who believes she can change the world.
I’m far from perfect but I am driven and grounded. I know I’m changing the world because I’ve got a tribe of wonderful friends. My friends are full of women who have young kids, have grown kids, don’t have kids, maybe still feel like kids. I have a special place in my heart for my fellow #infantlossmama friends. I hate being apart of this community, but I also have met the most real people in it.
This world needs more women who are amazing supportive and rooting for each other! Share this message with another woman who may need to know #tribelife and community aren’t just for 1 type of person! You don’t have to be one type of person to be in a tribe!
There’s always space at my table
The power of scent for memory recall has continued to amaze me. I have learned so much more from this and am taking steps to no longer sit aside as uneducated to what I am placing on and in my body. I am doing more of my own research and finding more sources. I know I am not alone, I am the 1 in 4 (miscarriage) and 1 in 160 (stillbirth) who have known infant loss.
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This week I stepped out into the great unknown. I finally found my Why in teaching oils and why I could no longer keep from teaching about what I’ve learned and benefited from these oils!
I started using lavender oil a few years ago when my first was born and someone told me it could help her sleep. At that point so sleep deprived I said YES! Only problem was someone told me about this, but no other follow up about how to use it or differences in oils or what a diffuser was! I eventually gave up and thought I don’t have time for research I can adjust to the no sleep and gave up on it until my 2nd pregnancy. I had done some more research on my own and knew what a diffuser was and really liked how Tea Tree smelled in my shampoo and made our stinky bathrooms smell so much better!
We actually brought our diffuser to the hospital and I was so grateful that I could make our room smell more like our home as we held Logan with us. Everyone who entered said I wish all hospital rooms smelled like this! This is way better than the stale air that is associated with hospitals. All I knew was that the smell was something I was familiar with and has brought me back to peace with Logan’s memory. I have loved lavender so much that I even placed some at Logan’s grave so he can still smell mommy when I’m not there.
Eventually after coming out of some of the haze and talking to so many other mothers of loss I now realize how common stillbirth can be. In the U.S. it’s approximately 24,000 which is an average of 1 in 160 births. Recognized miscarriage losses are even more common 1 in 4 pregnancies. With Logan we know it was a cord issue that was the ultimate cause of his death. Do I think making a lifestyle change such as reading more into chemicals in our household could’ve prevented his loss? No! But if there is a chance that I could’ve made healthier decisions for myself and my children would I change it? Yes!
I found out through some more research that some chemicals I have been using in my home could be linked to infertility. To me this was a total game changer. I went through my house with my Think Dirty AP and put in products throughout my house. Anything remotely associated with infertility I decided needed to be changed. The problem was what do I change it with?
I did my own research into companies and guidelines in what chemicals and products that I could use to replace those associated with the funk I was trying to rid my house of. A friend had told me that she felt the same way about the stuff in her household and had been using the Young Living line of products for cleaning and diffusing around her house. I looked through their catalog and how they made their products. I was so amazed. They don’t use pesticides, they harvest by hand and have a promise of how the products are made from the Seed to the Seal they are ensuring their safety.
This week I was able to lead my first of hopefully many classes in teaching about making yourself educated as to what is in your home. I am so excited for this education journey and can’t wait to see what more I learn from others as I grow on this journey. If you have any interest in learning more or setting up a time to talk please comment below and I would love to get in touch!
If you would like more information about enrolling see my earlier post Why Essential Oils
So many people who have contacted me since I started writing with their own stories. These are stories of old wounds, vulnerability and reopened scars and the memories that haunt us at night. They usually start with a disclaimer “it doesn’t compare to what has happened to you” or “I wasn’t as far as you were.”
These disclaimers make me think that at some point our society decided that we need to rank measures of loss. That for some reason some hurt was worth more than another hurt. We try to minimize our hurt and be a martyr. I’ve learned that to rank a loss is just cruel. The worst thing that could happen did and that’s all that matters. The weight of your loss is not transferrable and not measurable. If it’s heavy for you it should be acknowledged and that’s really all that matters.
I want to thank the many people who have opened up and shared stories of their scars. They are all special and unique and part of what bind us together. We all have struggles and are all trying to persevere.
There is enough suffering to go around and it can be overwhelming. We don’t need to put comparisons or disclaimers on our emotions.
Some of best advice in those darkest first months was to try to talk to myself like I was talking to my best friend. She let me acknowledge I was in the trenches and to remind myself to be kind while I was trying to fight a war with myself.
If your waiting for a permission slip to feel complicated things all at once here it goes. Remember your allowed to be happy about good things while your sad about good things. Your allowed to be proud of every mountain you have climbed. You are not obligated to justify your feelings. Especially feelings of grief. You are not obligated to minimize your loss.
We are all here to bear witness to one another. To lend a hand when we see someone slipping. I hope that you know this is not a competition of who has it worse. No one really wants to win that competition.
Remember to be to yourself. To talk to yourself as if you were your own best friend and not the guilt tripping enemy you maybe listening to in your head. I’ve found that grief is a complication of emotions of sadness mixed with happy mixed with another sadness about feeling happy. Remember your not crazy, it’s just grief. And anyone who thinks grief is a smooth transition of checkmarks is probably living in some crazy sub-universe!