Celebrating and Smiling

Looking at them makes me want to celebrate and smile. So many times I felt like I see other families that have a child and have a new pregnancy and they either totally disappear from social media or they only talk about the new baby.

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Allison is struggling with not being the only kid in the house and is learning how to navigate this sisterhood she never knew in this way with Logan.

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It’s a hard place to be to celebrate the new and the gifts that have taken literal years to create and mountains that we’re moved. But I also have to celebrate what brought me here. Without losing Logan baby Love we wouldn’t be holding Jojo.

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So how do you celebrate both? It’s a hard place to be this Mother’s Day. It’s not easy to describe this confusion of joy and sorrow over having and missing it all.

To my fellow moms who know this, know I feel you and I’m sure I’m not alone. Tell me all your beautiful children (on earth and heaven!) and I’d love to pray for them as we go into this hard weekend!

Capture Your Grief

Over the last 2 years I’ve known October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This year the milestone of this month came in like a quiet lamb and was fitting for the sunrise today.

The benefit of having kids who decide to both wake up early is that you get to open the blinds and enjoy a slow Monday morning snuggled in bed with my miracles. I still will always wish there was a little boy snuggled in here with them, but until I can hold them all in heaven I’m going to cherish these moments here with them.

A Fresh Beginning

I love when there happens to be an inexplicable sign from somewhere that there’s beauty we’re not even seeing. I often feel living in the Midwest prairie that I forget that even if I’m not looking at a mountain or ocean it is all a part of God’s Earth.

Through the years I have gotten a lot of joy out of physical accomplishments. I usually run at least one or two 5K’s a year and try for one half marathon or 10K. For some reason in 2016 at 6 months pregnant I had a crazy notion that I should sign up for a 30K series (3 different 10K races in 3 weeks) which started 6 weeks after my predicted due date. I know I was living some crazy dream, because not only was this a crazy soon amount of time after having a baby, but I hadn’t done any running in the last 4 months of my pregnancy! I ended up sleeping through the first two races, still recovering from my stiches and in the deepest grief. By the time the third came around a little after 2 months after we lost Logan my husband convinced me I had to go to the race and at least walk across the start! He knew what running had done for my happiness in the past and wanted to see me there again.

That Sunday race morning was a wet drizzle as we all drove to the start. I think I changed my mind more than a few times while waiting for the start of the race as my husband and daughter had driven further down the route to be my cheerleaders. I’d only run about 2 miles since Logan’s birth. What crazy thing was I thinking? A 10K is 6.2 miles and about 5 miles of this race was on hills! I told myself I can at least make it to the first turn-around where the 5K was. If nothing else I have confidence I can walk 3 miles even if I don’t run. I was convincing myself with every step after that starting line, your only going to do a 5K today, accept it there will be more races.

Then something happened at the first half mile. I was no longer getting pelted with the sharp pellets of rain falling. It just suddenly looked like we were all in a cloud of haze running. Then I turned the corner and the cloud around me was gone and I looked up and saw a rainbow jetting from the sky. I have never felt more that something was put there for me than this moment. I thought back to the story of Noah and the flood and the storm that he saw. The world was “broken.” Everything they knew had been changed. This was the same world I had been living in. Then God gave Noah a rainbow as a sign remembrance for the covenant between God and all of creation. That the waters will calm through our storms.


I did not get a pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow that day, but seeing the pride and smile in my husband and daughter as I crossed the finish line that day. I was not alone I had cheerleaders I couldn’t even see that day who pushed me on.