What I Want For Mother’s Day

This is my second Mother’s Day without all my children by my side. Another one with family pictures this morning missing one person who is so very much a part of this day. Being asked ‘ What do I want for this day?’ Really the answer is something that no one on this Earth can give me. I just want all my children in the same room, which is something that will never again be possible. To hug them all smushing them in my arms and reveling in the miracles which they truly are.

Being a mom has taught me I am stronger than I ever thought I was. It’s taught me to face hell and I can still keep going. It has shown me love that is greater than my love for someone ever before was. It has taught me more about faith and how desperately we need to rely on our savior.

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It’s taught me what exhaustion is, what fear is and how to let go of the expect ions I’ve had for myself. I’ve learned being the perfect mom doesn’t mean I have the cleanest house, the kids who are always well put together. It doesn’t mean I won’t have moments of total embarrassment from what my kids are doing. Perfect is hugging my girl so tight that she knows

I’ve learned that love and grief isn’t something you just get over. A love of a child isn’t ever going to be the same as a 14 year a old with a broken heart whose told there’s other fish in the sea. I’ve learned love and grief are completely intertwined. You can only grieve something you loved and that doesn’t go away. It will change you forever and it’s supposed to. I’ve learned that God is big enough to handle it all.

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So to the Mom who isn’t with her babies. To the NICU mom fighting for her child’s life, To the Foster Mom’s, bonus Mom’s, regular Mom’s, Mom’s to be and Mom’s in your heart. However you define yourself I hope you find peace today. I hope you celebrate the lives around you. I pray for peace for those who know today is complicated. Those who wish like me that heaven had a phone we could just call and check in on them, or that they could just visit once for another moment. To the frustrated children and spouse’s when we say we want nothing for this day, we just want to look at the lives we’ve been blessed to be a part of and marvel at it. We want to be involved in our kids lives, hear about the good and the bad. Laugh with them cry with them. We just want to be able to say how truly much we love them, and they probably won’t get it until they become parents, but until then we’re going to show them what it is to love them to the moon and back.

IS THE BUILD UP WORSE THAN THE DAY?

Some times the constant reminder you may have a trigger day coming is worse than the actual day. Some days it’s all around when you least expect it!

I was blessed enough to be born on Mother’s Day and was told for so long that I was the best gift for that day. I made her a “Mom.” It was a day that for so many years I’ve had shared with her. So many family celebrations of having to share my day with my grandmothers, aunts and mom’s. I enjoyed it even more when my first mother’s day as a mother myself happened to fall also on my birthday. It was a wonderful mix of emotions and outpouring of love for my daughter and celebration of this new stage of my own life.

This year these days won’t be celebrated quite the same. There will be a new worry of emotion. I’m working to remind myself that I am not only the noun of mother, someone who has born or adopted a child. I am looking at it as also a verb: something or someone as the recipient for my action. I give love, I give them energy, I give them my thoughts.

I can think of so many inspirational women throughout my life who have helped show me that what mothering truly is. Those Who have shown me grace and are my soul sisters! As I am getting bombarded with email ads for massages endless scented lotions and massages which I will never remember to book, I’ve been trying to think about what would actually make me the most happy in my celebration week of my life and Mother’s Day.

The realization of this year is that time is the only thing of true value that you cannot measure. It is the gift that gives me back the most. I know memories can fade but they  the best gifts I have received from others in these past 9 months. If you are wanting to know how you can help me this Mother’s Day this is my request:

-Show me where you took Logan’s memory today. Show me where you saw him, either in the stars, the wind, the leaves or maybe a rainbow.

-Light a candle for his memory 

-Acknowledge that this will be a difficult day and that your just thinking about me and Logan

-If you can visit with him. I love seeing when he’s had his friends stop by with a pebble or flower.

I think this day I will be surrounding myself with other mama’s whose arms are aching. I’m praying for peace and comfort during this period. I pray our children won’t be forgotten. I pray for understanding relationships and being surrounded by love.