Have you ever cried so much that you ran out of tears? ? Your swollen eyes just give out and dry up while a current of unrest still gushes through your soul. And you look up toward heaven in utter frustration. That was us!

My soul was crying and pleading with God to take this away from me. Make this not my sons story. As much as I pleaded I couldn’t change what was happening.

It is finished. I feel just exhausted from all of the heart work this took getting put onto paper. It’s taken me 929 days to write this and put the full story from my perspective down. It’s raw and I could keep editing it for years more I’m sure.

I realized a few weeks ago, in all my writings I’ve never actually sat down and told my version of Logan’s story. It’s something so personal that feels like heaven has to come down to give me the words. I hope you find you know a little more about me and Logan after hearing his 14.5 hour life story.

I will spend the rest of my life looking for moments filled with Logan. This is the long version of our short hello, until we meet again in heaven.


It started at a normal 36 week check up. “This position doesn’t feel right!”

Not words you want to hear from your midwife😟

“Let’s do an ultrasound. I’m pretty sure this baby is sideways!”

Sure enough, baby was side ways. I was told try spinning babies, look into acupuncture. And if I went into labor come in immediately. Babies can come out with heads and butts but not backs, so I’d be having a guaranteed C-section! Another ultrasound in a week was scheduled and a consult for trying to flip baby if there wasn’t movement before then!

Well a C-section just wasn’t what I wanted for my birth plan so I tried it all. Showed up on Friday 37 weeks hoping to not have to have them try to flip baby. Hoping the stretches and acupuncture helped baby move. I really have no idea if it’d worked, I felt kicks but how was I supposed to know a butt from a head in there🤷🏼‍♀️

The ultrasound tech told me, you’re baby is head down! You don’t need to see the doctor, everything looks good.

The next Monday I showed up at work and hearing from people “I was sure this was the weekend you’d be in labor!”

I was 38 weeks and felt ready for the pregnancy stage to be over, but my oldest went to 39+6 so I was pretty sure I’d still have another week at least with this pregnancy. I finished my day and headed home. We’d made lasagna and joked with my husbands brother that I’d had a few contractions that day. How he was on babysitting duty for the oldest until a grandma could come from across the state.

I’d had 2 contractions in our mealtime, but still felt really good. They were really spaced apart and then stopped. So I went upstairs and got Allison bathed and ready for bed. Then I decided I felt the need to lay down and told hubby he was doing stories. I felt like something might be happening and I needed to rest.

It was about 9 pm and I decided to try a bath. It was what helped me most in my 1st labor and maybe it’d help me relax. I finally got out and payed in bed while Kevin times my contractions. I still felt it was so early to time anything, but he wasn’t believing me.

By 10pm they were 7 minutes apart. We thought we’d give it a little more time to get to the 5 minute mark before coming into the hospital. Then laying in bed a contraction broke my water. It was a gush of water down my legs that had me questioning, did I just pee myself or was that my water😆I jumped out of bed and rushed to the toilet trying to wipe and checking for blood and meconium while Kevin called the midwife to let her know and that we were on our way. Contractions had already increased to 5 minutes apart.

In the few minutes it took to change and have our neighbor over to stay until Kevin’s brother got here the contractions just kept coming. The timer said by 10:30 they were already 2.5 minutes apart! We rushed into the car for the 25 minute drive to the hospital and called to have them meet us at the ER!

I’m sure by this point I was in transition, but had adrenaline going and was still able to talk through my contractions.

We pulled in and who knew there were 2 ER doors 🚪 we of course went to the one that they weren’t waiting at! We were met by the nurse who wheeled me upstairs while Kevin parked the car. My hair was down in front of my face and she grabbed a ponytail, whipped it in a bun and wheeled me upstairs. They skipped triage and I went straight to a labor room. They put me on a monitor and I thought thank goodness I didn’t have a baby on the side of the interstate!

I heard lots of scrambling and then they had the ultrasound over. “I’ve got a pulse on ultrasound, but it’s breech. Call the OB and OR. We’re coming NOW! She’s complete!” Right then Kevin was finally back. They had me switch on a moving bed. I grabbed his hand and said “what is happening?” He looked at me, “It’s breech, it’s going to be a C-Section.”

Because it was an emergency section and I was going under general anesthesia Kevin couldn’t come into the OR with me. He stood outside the doors with the nurse who had first wheeled me up to labor and delivery. He waited and called our moms unsure what to even say, he had no idea what was happening to either of us.

I was trying to keep it together and now think of anything I could to stall labor, but my body doesn’t like to labor slowly. All I know is I start having contractions and then in a matter of minutes I seem to have a baby.

It was a mess of noise in the OR, lots of moving and sounds while I closed my eyes and tried not to push. The OB asking my name, and what we were doing today. I remember saying we’re getting the baby out. Then I remember feeling the need to push and being told to stop. Then the nurse saying “she can’t help it she’s at a 10!” Then they counted down and I was out for surgery.

I’ve had people and medical records to piece together the actual birth part at 12:02 when he entered the world 🌎 Logan was indeed breech and lodged his head was also stuck in my rib cage. He’d also swallowed meconium. Then when he was out he wasn’t responsive. The threading heartbeat from the ultrasound was gone. They worked for 15 minutes on him trying to revive him, then when they were about to call it when a nurse found a faint heartbeat 💗

I’m not really sure how much time passes in surgery until I woke up in recovery I remember being fuzzy and seeing Kevin.

Kevin told me the midwife came and said there wasn’t a heartbeat. He wasn’t sure if she meant me or the baby. Then she told him it was a boy and that they weren’t getting him to be able to take a breath.

I think the first thing I asked when I woke was “where’s the baby?” Then hearing that he’s in the NICU. They were wanting to transfer him to a higher level nicu, but they were going to wheel him by my room before transferring. I learned we’d had a boy, and that the gender was no longer the biggest surprise of our night.

They told me it’d be 15 minutes without a pulse. I’d just refreshed on CPR and remembered after 7 it’s pretty much brain dead. And just kept thinking 15 minutes is too long. They told Kevin he could go to the NICU to see him and that our doula would stay with me. The pains of surgery were starting to set in and my legs were shaking uncontrollably and I was trying not to vomit 🤢 all over everything!

I remember thinking I’m high on morphine and going to have to make the hardest choices of my life.

I can remember Kevin calling and asking if Logan Michael was ok for his name. We’d been on the fence for days about a middle name and he needed a name to be transferred. Then when they were getting close to the transfer our photographer came back to capture us and baby meeting before transfer.

Then Kevin walked back in with the neonatologist. Kevin said he just kept having seizures and then the extent of the brain damage was explained. The doctor explained all his risks of a transfer and the amount of brain damage she was seeing. Then she carefully explained our 2 options for Logan.

Let him die with us and make him as comfortable as we could with us or try to continue treatments transferring him to a higher level NICU.

Our seemingly normal labor 3 short hours earlier these were not the options I was thinking of making for my baby. I knew that I couldn’t bear the thought of him dying away from me. I knew that it was a huge risk that he’d even survive the drive across town. I couldn’t let him be in someone else’s arms in that moment before I’d even met him. I couldn’t bear to put him through treatment that would still likely never allow him to come home.

We looked at each other and just felt the weight of what we were having to decide. Are we taking away his chance at life to be selfish and keep him near us? Was it selfish to try to continue treatment? I kept thinking about how long he’d be without oxygen and how much he’d already been through. Kevin had seen first hand how frail he really was and the beginning promises of transferring and getting me recovered to be discharged to be with him were a forgotten memory.

We knew that he needed to be with us. We wanted to hold him and have his death be a peaceful place not filled with machines and strangers. They told us they’d get me set up in my recovery room and then bring him in.

Then they asked us about who to call. Would our 2 1/2 year old be ready to meet her brother who was going to die? I remember thinking how am I going to explain this to her. She knew a new baby was coming, how do I explain death to her? My friend who was our photographer came to sit by me and asked will it be any easier to explain it if she doesn’t get to meet her brother? I really think she should be here. It was the push I needed to think about what her grief needs would be and we woke up Kevin’s brother and said get down her.

Around this same time my mom arrived, making the 3 hour midnight drive from Arkansas. I felt relief knowing she’d made it before he’d died.

We sat in post op calling Kevin’s parents, and trying to reach our pastor to see if he could baptize Logan for us. We didn’t have his number, so we tried Facebook, and calling all our friends to try to reach him. We finally found someone who had his number, but he wasn’t answering. So he ended up driving at 4am to his house to knock on the door to wake him up!

We finally got wheeled into recovery after what felt like days since I still hadn’t seen my baby boy. I remember wheeling me to a corner, and asking for more morphine as I was jostled around and felt like my stomach was going to split open again.

Then when I was finally settled, they wheeled in the bassinet with all the cords and machine noises and our little boy in the middle. 

They slowly unhooked him from the beeping machines and moved his swaddled body over to my bed. I held Kevin’s hand and held my breath. I knew these would be the precious few moments we’d have together. 

Then his doctor placed him in my arms and I felt my heart break over seeing his perfect face. And I heard his struggle of a squeak as he tried to breathe.

We held him and cried over knowing we’d be giving him back. We cried knowing that he would never know life outside of this hospital. We would never see him take a first step, or smile at the sound of our voices. We knew these small hours were his only with us.

Shortly after he was taken off of life support and in my arms big sister came with Uncle Justin. All she did was look with pride that her baby brother was here. I can’t even remember how we tried to explain death to her. I think she understand mommy had an owie from the baby coming out and that he couldn’t come home.

I remember her saying he’s not opening his eyes. It’s probably the part that stuck with her the most. My whole pregnancy with Joanna she kept saying “mommy, do you really hope this baby will open her eyes?” And when Joanna was born she was worried that her first picture she saw her eyes were closed.

She was the face of joy celebrating that he was born, reminding us that even though our hearts were being shredded into pieces that the moment of meeting him was still so amazing!

We had our photographer take our picture as a family of 4. I kept thinking I hadn’t showered, my hair is still in the sweaty bun the nurse helped me with as I was wheeled in. I’m a crying mess on morphine and this is my only picture as the 4 of us! How messed up is this right now?

We made footprint and handprints trying to remember every moment. We held him and just told him how much we loved him. Around 8 our pastors came and prayed over him and baptized him. We texted what we could manage to a few friends letting them know he wouldn’t be able to come home, not yet ready for phone calls. We called our bosses and told the short story that something went wrong, we were ok, but we’d be planning a funeral and wouldn’t be at work for a while.

Our nurse asked me if I had thought about my milk coming in. I surprisingly had, I knew I was going to pump and donate. I’d donated before and knew it was my one gift I could give from this mess onto someone else.

We never put him down his whole 14 1/2 hours of life. He was held in the arms of love for those short seconds of life. By the afternoon his breathing had weakened and his first bright rosy cheeks were becoming more ashen. We knew he only had minutes left. We asked everyone to leave and Kevin kneeled on the floor as we both held Logan and cried.

Have you ever cried so much that you ran out of tears? ? Your swollen eyes just give out and dry up while a current of unrest still gushes through your soul. And you look up toward heaven in utter frustration. That was us!

I felt the Holy Spirit winter in those moments more than any place I have been. I felt an anger at God that these were my only moments and that I was forgotten. I felt cheated. I thought of all my friends with babies that were in their arms and here I was giving my son back to God at less than 1 day old.

Our pastor came and prayed and sat with us as we said our goodbye saying we will see you one day again. We then let the rest of our family in and held hands and prayed and sung “Jesus loves the little children.”

After a while the nurse had asked if they could take him and we could get sleep. At this point we’d been up for about 36 hours straight. They assured me that if I wanted him back during the night they would bring him back. I reluctantly let him go, and tried to think of him going to the nursery rather than the morgue.

Our hospital did t have a cuddle cot which would’ve given him more time in our room. Now I’ve learned about these amazing devices that help keep the babies body cool and allows for less time saying repeated goodbyes as the baby goes to the morgue.

My nurse tried to help me finally move out of bed and I felt like my stomach was being ripped open again now realizing I’d still have recovery from the c section to get through. My midwife asked if I wanted something to help me sleep. I said, sure I guess I’ll take anything you’re giving at this point and finally drifted to sleep.

I still had to be waken up for vitals and the fun massaging of the uterus. Just another reminder my stomach was empty and this was an awful reality.

The next morning I asked for Logan back as soon as I woke up.

I’d asked my mom to try to pick up some more clay for footprints. I remember her getting to the hospital and saying, the clerk said “have a nice day, I just thought what is wrong with the world for still going on? This is not a nice day.”

We called our friend and photographer and asked if she could come back and do pictures of us as a family with him before the funeral home had to come to get him. We took more pictures and then after it was becoming more evident that his skin needed to go back into a cooler we reluctantly tucked him back into his crib with his blanket and teddy bear as the nurse wheeled him away.

Later that evening we made a call to the funeral home our pastor recommended and they came to pick up Logan and take him back to the funeral home. I spent the next days reading blogs and Pinterest finds about planning a funeral for a baby, looking for someone who had walked this path and was still functioning.

Another Countdown from another year without you

The nights feel short in anticipation of the countdown coming. Bells will ring and celebrations that another new start is coming with the new year. For just a moment I’m pausing for my year of remembrance. My time to think about being further from your time on Earth.

Anyone else get a little depressed when the lights of Christmas 🎄start coming down🙋🏼‍♀️

We spent today putting the house back to normal and no longer have the tinsel and lights filling the house. Part of me loves it because I love cleansing and feel like it’s a purge of stuff that suddenly is gone. Part of me wishes they could just come out when I’m feeling further away from heaven.

This was the first Christmas since Logan was born that I chose to put his tree away. That first Christmas 🎄 my friends got me a small tree and filled it with ornaments that were just for him. It’s really my only memory of that Christmas. I remember just wanting to survive it and dreading the year changing to a year where he wasn’t a part of it.

It’s another year further from his life here. Another countdown is upon us. A time to reflect and remember. And for this moment I’m reflecting on what my life would be if you hadn’t gone so soon. It would surely be looking much different from this view in a quiet house rocking your little sister.

Hard Part of Being Thankful

Missing someone isn’t about how long it’s been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that moment you were doing something wishing they were there too.

We’re getting ready to head out and make the drive to see family and friends we don’t always see. To tell them we’ve missed them and eat, talk, laugh and marvel at all the new babies. We’re reminded this week to be thankful for our blessings.


For me Thanksgiving has been harder than Christmas. When it’s a holiday all focused on silver lining and glass is half full. How can I be thankful when my child died? It’s a question that I’ve really struggled with. I’m thankful to have Logan’s sister, but it’s not him. He’s still missing.


I’m thankful he’s not in pain anymore. I’m thankful I’m 1 day closer to seeing him again. It’s not something you normally go around and say at the thanksgiving table though.


We really suck at this whole grief thing as a society. We want to hear how people pull themselves from these tragedies and save thousands of others and never feel anymore pain. Grief doesn’t really make for good tv drama. When you have the happiest day and then cry later because someone missed the happiness.


Missing someone isn’t about how long it’s been since you’ve seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that moment you were doing something wishing they were there too.

God is in the Details

About 6 months after Logan died I met another loss mama a couple years further in her journey. She told me to keep looking for God in the details. She told me you probably can’t see it now, but there will come a time when you’ll see where God is in the details again.

When she talked of her story it was still missing her son, but seeing the people and events placed in her path afterwards that showed her God hadn’t forgotten her.

I think I’m only now really understanding that with the perspective of a few years. I see trips, jobs, friendships that we’re put in my path of support. New experiences showing me that God hadn’t forgotten me.

A few weeks ago I came across a Facebook moms group post asking for breast milk donations for her soon to be newborn. She was a breast cancer survivor and would be unable to breastfeed, but wanted give her baby breast milk.

I already had quite a stockpile I was planning to donate so I thought this was perfect how it fell into my lap. I of course checked to her profile to see if we happened to have any friends in common and realized I already knew I was going to be donating to her baby.

Our mutual friend was a mom I’d met in a loss group. Our mutual friend had already talked about their friendship and her support. After we met for the first donation she lovingly sent me a thank you note and mentioned Logan’s Angels. At first I thought she’d been reading our story and then she told me that Logan is going to be her sons name too!

I know God has been in the details of our friendships and connections to bring this together. It’s a pretty great story and more that I could go on telling, but I’m not spoiling all of it! KMBC9 got wind of all the milk donations and are running a story on both of us. I’ll post the link after it airs 10/30 at 6pm!

Rush of October

October always hits hard. It’s a month for me that is a rush of doing all the fall activities and plan a birthday party right in the middle. Then when I start to catch my breath I’m hit with the social media posts reminding me it’s Infant Loss Awareness time of year.


My feed fills up with candles and pictures of babies I’ve never met, but know so well.


The small bodies too fragile for this broken Earth. The reminder that this life is not forever, that we will one day be holding them again in heaven.


Logan you maybe gone from my sight, but you are far from forgotten.


Capture Your Grief

Over the last 2 years I’ve known October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This year the milestone of this month came in like a quiet lamb and was fitting for the sunrise today.

The benefit of having kids who decide to both wake up early is that you get to open the blinds and enjoy a slow Monday morning snuggled in bed with my miracles. I still will always wish there was a little boy snuggled in here with them, but until I can hold them all in heaven I’m going to cherish these moments here with them.

Witness to Hope

Today I’m so thankful for this little head that let’s me give it both kisses and tears. To soak up all of that new baby smell and feel the healing and heartbreak of holding her.


I remember imagining when I was pregnant with Logan what my maternity leave would look like. I imagined snuggling him in this carrier and walking this beautiful path. I haven’t come here alone since before Logan was born. Today I took Jojo on this walk I’d imagined 2 years ago and talked to God. I talked to him about being in the now with her and the not yet waiting for Logan. It’s a new part of parenting after loss that makes it all the more bittersweet.


#joyafterloss #thestoryoflogan #joannabeth #parentingafterloss #griefsucks #momblog #behindthewillows #momblogger #naturewalk #leannotonyourownunderstanding #heisstrong #morningthoughts #mondaymotivation #missingyou #babysmell #4weekspostpartum

God Is Gracious

Not every rainbow is an ending of something. Sometimes it’s just the beginning.

Not every rainbow is an ending of something. Sometimes it’s just the beginning.

Our journey began so many months ago by preparing for finding a care team that we knew would be supportive of the emotional needs we had with this birth and pregnancy. We educating our team with what we needed to heal with this experience to make it different from Logan’s birth of chaos, separation and darkness.

On the day of our delivery I felt the butterflies. We had done everything we could to get to this spot and God was in control. We trusted that we would be meeting our girl and just praying to hear her cry that we never heard from Logan.

I can’t thank all the staff for preparing everyone in the OR and floor for us and what this birth meant to us. We were prepared for fighting to not be separated and hoping we would get to have our doula and photographer come back with us.

Everyone who walked in said we’ve already read your birth plan and we never had to retell our prior trauma from birth and were allowed to have this day just celebrating. Our doctor advocated for us to see our baby as soon as she was out. She made sure we were never left in the dark on what decisions they were making. She made sure we were never separated and left alone waiting for the unknown.

The moment came when the doctor said she’s almost here. Kevin looked at his phone and I said I know what song I need to be playing and hit “Somewhat Over The Rainbow” and after the first few Hawaiian cords played they said here she comes! We were both able to watch her come and hear her cry as our dreams came true.

Months of waiting, planning, praying and fears of what would happen were all washed away and everyone in the OR exclaimed in happy cheers. She was in my arms in moments and even fed with me on the OR table. Everyone we saw took care of our emotions as if we were their family.

Joanna Beth you don’t even know yet how much my heart has needed you! I knew your name needed meaning and God is Gracious is so perfectly fitting for you. We had so much of waiting and praying that we would one day have a house on Earth with 2 children and we have graciously been granted this aching in our heart. We forever have an empty spot in our house with our little Logan. We want all 3 of you and one day Logan I will be holding you in heaven. Until the. I’m holding your little sister even closer. Your Great-grandma Ann in my dreams was right, “Everything is going to be ok, your not alone.”

Looking Forward and Turning A New Page

“Whenever and however you intend to give birth, your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body and your spirt for the rest of your life.” Ina May Gaskin

The moment a child is born a mother is born too. A woman whose life and identity is changed as a new person is now able to call her mom.

To my beautiful girl I can’t wait to meet.

You don’t know this, but tomorrow will be your birthday. The dates been marked on our calendars for months hoping that you would be able to stay safe until the break of dawn tomorrow when you have grown to a stone 37 week fighter. I hope you know how happy I am that you have been kicking like crazy and keeping mommy up at night. Thank you for allowing me to remember the best parts of pregnancy and not just the worst it can be.

I am cherishing the last few hours our hearts are beating in one body together. I pray that you will be ready for living in this outside world. I pray that you will get to know so much love and how fiercely you are already loved and prayed for by so many. I can’t wait to meet you and feel you in my arms.

Until tomorrow baby girl. I love you to the moon, and past the stars.


The Teacher Who I Don’t Know

There’s never a great time of year for grief. Back to school is one I hadn’t anticipated as hard as the Birthday child who never got to blow out his candles or the Christmas presents we wouldn’t be buying.

It’s hard because it’s filled with complicated forms like list all of your child’s siblings and ages. Explaining to new teachers why my daughter will probably talk about her brother who died and that we hope our new baby won’t die.

It’s hard because I walk by the room where I should be dropping another child off and look for a brief moment at what the other kids his age are learning.

It’s hard because I won’t have a first day of school pictures with all my kids.

It’s hard because I look at the teachers he should be having and the friends he should be making.

I decided that since teachers always ask for a getting to know you sheet for their new students I’d take the initiative to tell them about the one not in their class, the one who holds a place in their classroom without being seen.

Meaning of a Rainbow

If you’re a part of the infant and pregnancy loss community you probably already know the term Rainbow Baby. A rainbow is a baby born after the storms of grief from miscarriage, still birth or death in infancy. It’s supposed to give us hope of new coming.

It’s hard for me to explain how a rainbow pregnancy/baby are not all happiness and smiles. It’s hard to explain how an expectant mother can’t be absolutely excited every moment, especially after enduring so much loss.

There’s the fears that now there is a new baby to focus on that everyone will think we’re better or now we’re normal again because we’re having another baby. It’s the fear that we’re having another baby to replace the one who died. And the biggest fear that now there’s a new baby everyone will have forgotten the ones who’ve died.

The anger that comes when people say, “Now you’ll know how hard it is with 2 kids.” or how they ask the living child “Are you excited to be a big sister now?” I don’t know how to answer these unknowingly curel questions. I do know what it’s like to have 2 kids. Do I answer with, ‘Do you know how hard it is to parent when one of them lives in heaven?’ Or do I answer, ‘I know how hard it is to be up all night crying for a newborn who isn’t crying?’ It’s questions during pregnancy that completely have forgotten there was another one in between.

It’s complicated because we fear being happy for this baby, while at the same time wishing our other child was here. It’s a fear that this child will have unreasonable expectations to live their life and the life for their sibling(s) who couldn’t.

The pregnancy after loss is nothing like the one before. The innocence is gone that every pregnancy ends in a happy and healthy mom and baby. We had hoped our first rainbow pregnancy would be this child, and ended in more of the storms of grief for what couldn’t have been.

A rainbow doesn’t come without the rain and the storms of grief. Just because you see a rainbow, doesn’t mean the storm is over. Even in the eye of the storm there is quiet for a moment to recognize this pregnancy as its own, not tangled in the memories of the past. It’s not always a long moment, but when it comes the moment of peace and rainbows is so welcomed.

A Birthday Lost in Neverland

2 years in heaven is as if it was a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time. We will be remembering you and trying to celebrate you the best we can as the waves come and surround us today.

If you are on Instagram and want to remember his story search for #Instabirth0726 and see his birth and life story and help us remember his short time here.

Happy Birthday Logan boy. I can hardly believe it’s been 2 years since I was clinging to you in my arms wishing for a miracle that would selfishly keep you with me. I know we made the right decision to not let you suffer, but I still wish you hadn’t had to go before me on your journey to heaven. It’s just against every pattern our lives are supposed to follow.

I’ve heard your in a better place at least 1,000 times and I’ve rejoiced at least this many times for you. But I still just feel homesick longing for you. I just feel out of place on days like today. Torn between heaven and Earth and not being able to be seeing your face on days like this.

I have no idea what being a boy mom is like. Would your party have been all about dinosaurs or construction stuff like your daddy? Instead of opening new toys to celebrate you we open messages of remembering you. I have so been wondering what you would be looking like at 2. Would have lost your baby fat by now, how many words would you be able to say? What would you have thought of me if you’d been able to open your eyes? Would you have said this family is crazy and loud and been the quiet introvert or been screaming with the craziness of your big sister?

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t absolutely ache for you little boy. I wish I had some great silver lining to make anyone reading this feel better, but really losing someone this close to you and changing the life plans you thought you had isn’t a silver lining. It’s just hard.

You learn to still breathe and somehow figure out how to do things like pay bills and feed the 4 year old. You do learn to laugh again. But I will always have a moment of looking at the moments of happiness and seeing one face missing. Seeing one little blonde boy with chubby cheeks who should be grinning with me.

I’m going to celebrate today and the 15 hours you were here where you touched so many. You’ve taught us big grown ups way more than we thought we’d ever learn from a guy who’d just gotten here.

So though you’re not going to get the chance to grow up and are forever staying a lost boy like Peter Pan I’m sure you’re still going to wait for me. Logan know your mommy and daddy always have a place for you in our hearts. You are forever loved and forever missed. Especially on days like this. We love you to the moon, the sun and all the stars.

Pregnancy and Grief Collide

With this pregnancy I am all too aware that I have no guarantee this will turn out any differently than our last two. Knowing that I am absolutely not in control over any part of each day of this pregnancy. Being all too aware of this lack of control gives me moments of anxiety, joy, excitement, confusion and grief. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through a pregnancy loss and understood these emotions. It’s really reassuring to have a loss community of friends who remind me I’m not actually crazy, I’m just pregnant and grieving and they have to co-exist.

I haven’t written much about this pregnancy and our lives these past 8 months. After losing Logan and our miscarriage I wasn’t sure what our future as parents would be. If I could fathom going through another pregnancy, if I would be mother of an only-child, and what uncertainty the future held.

With this pregnancy I am all too aware that I have no guarantee this will turn out any differently than our last two. Knowing that I am absolutely not in control over any part of each day of this pregnancy. Being all too aware of this lack of control gives me moments of anxiety, joy, excitement, confusion and grief. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through a pregnancy loss and understood these emotions. It’s really reassuring to have a loss community of friends who remind me I’m not actually crazy, I’m just pregnant and grieving and they have to co-exist.

If you’ve experienced a pregnancy after a loss maybe you can relate to this list of things baby-loss parents do when they get pregnant.

  1. Cry: Because you have another chance to be able to hold your baby. Because your scared. Because you can’t hold your other babies. Because your hormonal. Because your normal.
  2. Pray: Because you know more than anyone that you have no more control over this pregnancy than over the one where your baby died and pray for a miracle.
  3. Worry: If this baby will live. If your lack of morning sickness means something is wrong. Worry about doing kick-counts and if baby is moving enough. What you ate or drank before you knew you were pregnant. Worry that you know at least 4 others who are pregnant and worry if you will be the 1 in 4 statistic again that ends in loss.
  4. Count: The days until the next appointment, the next milestone, the next point of viability, the seconds waiting for the doctor to find the heartbeat so you can relax for a moment.
  5. Wonder: If your other baby or babies had lived would this child be possible? Wonder how life would look with all of your children living in your household right now.
  6. Decide: When to tell people. Do you do it early and have support incase this baby also dies? Do you hide it from the world and avoid all the questions people love to ask pregnant women?
  7. Think: How to answer questions like “Is this your first?” or “How many others do you have?”
  8. Grieve: Just because your pregnant again doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your child in Heaven, but sometimes it seems like everyone just wants to focus on this pregnancy and not your child in Heaven. You grieve because you miss your child, but want to have this one too.
  9. Guilt: For complaining about back-pain, swelling, complaining. Guilt because maybe you were relieved to find out you weren’t having the same gender, then tears because you want both.
  10. Hesitation: Deciding to buy only the minimal baby items until that baby is actually in your home. When you do buy something you make sure you know the return policy, just in case. Hesitate to have a celebration party or gifts because you know they may sit unused and another reminder of what you didn’t get to have.
  11. Pride: That you actually bought a pair of diapers and wipes and made it through the baby aisle without balling your eyes out.
  12. Remember: What the weather was like during this stage in your last pregnancy. Suddenly recall what kicks in your last pregnancy felt like. Remember what your plans were during this time in your last pregnancy.
  13. Wonder: What kind of sibling your other child would be. Wonder what their personality would be.
  14. Hospital Preparation: You suddenly consider all the memories or keepsakes you wished you’d had for the pregnancy you lost. You carefully think about coming home outfit along with what is the best stamp pad for remembering hand and finger prints.

The Difference of a Year

What a difference 1 year in your life can make. I was thinking back to last year, remembering the depths of the valley. It was approaching the first anniversary of Logan’s birth and death. A milestone where I should be arranging cute Pinterest worthy party and photos of him smashing a cake. Instead I was planning on sending seeds to make sure he wasn’t forgotten.

I was still in the shock that my first pregnancy after Logan had already ended. The short 10 weeks I’d had thinking about a Christmas with a new baby had already ended. Another reminder of my hopes that were not coming true.

It’s approaching that time of year again where although I’m in a different spot I still am very much remembering that valley. Being pregnant and so close to the same time of year when Logan was born is filled with emotions. So much of his pregnancy I seem to have forgotten. It’s all swallowed by his entrance and exit to this world. I find myself trying to remember if the kicks I feel now are just like his were looking for my lost memories with him.

It’s the excitement that my arms will be full again in a matter of weeks, but also the cautious realization that they may not get to always stay so full. It’s answering questions like “hope the nursery is ready!” with a smile and nod. While I think, it’s been ready for 2 years. I remember sitting in the hospital thinking that Jewish tradition is you don’t set up the nursery or buying things until the baby is born. I now so understand that logic of protecting yourself from that pain of taking it down. It’s one I just haven’t been able to bear. I left the nursery door closed for over a year before finally deciding it was time to at least some light in and acknowledge it was there.

I’ve told myself to not pressure myself for Logan’s birthday this year. He is not forgotten, and those who know us remind us of this. Last year I needed actions for myself to do something to see his name out in the world. This year I know that the build-up through July is probably going to be worse than his actual birth/death day. I know how to prepare myself and give myself grace when right now I just don’t have the energy for pool parties and summer kid activity craziness.

I know this time next year could be looking much different again, but at the moment I’m just going to focus on getting through this season. And maybe reflecting next year will be different, but there will still be missing kids from our family photos. There will still be a July next year to face.

gone from sight.jpg

What I Want For Mother’s Day

This is my second Mother’s Day without all my children by my side. Another one with family pictures this morning missing one person who is so very much a part of this day. Being asked ‘ What do I want for this day?’ Really the answer is something that no one on this Earth can give me. I just want all my children in the same room, which is something that will never again be possible. To hug them all smushing them in my arms and reveling in the miracles which they truly are.

Being a mom has taught me I am stronger than I ever thought I was. It’s taught me to face hell and I can still keep going. It has shown me love that is greater than my love for someone ever before was. It has taught me more about faith and how desperately we need to rely on our savior.


It’s taught me what exhaustion is, what fear is and how to let go of the expect ions I’ve had for myself. I’ve learned being the perfect mom doesn’t mean I have the cleanest house, the kids who are always well put together. It doesn’t mean I won’t have moments of total embarrassment from what my kids are doing. Perfect is hugging my girl so tight that she knows

I’ve learned that love and grief isn’t something you just get over. A love of a child isn’t ever going to be the same as a 14 year a old with a broken heart whose told there’s other fish in the sea. I’ve learned love and grief are completely intertwined. You can only grieve something you loved and that doesn’t go away. It will change you forever and it’s supposed to. I’ve learned that God is big enough to handle it all.


So to the Mom who isn’t with her babies. To the NICU mom fighting for her child’s life, To the Foster Mom’s, bonus Mom’s, regular Mom’s, Mom’s to be and Mom’s in your heart. However you define yourself I hope you find peace today. I hope you celebrate the lives around you. I pray for peace for those who know today is complicated. Those who wish like me that heaven had a phone we could just call and check in on them, or that they could just visit once for another moment. To the frustrated children and spouse’s when we say we want nothing for this day, we just want to look at the lives we’ve been blessed to be a part of and marvel at it. We want to be involved in our kids lives, hear about the good and the bad. Laugh with them cry with them. We just want to be able to say how truly much we love them, and they probably won’t get it until they become parents, but until then we’re going to show them what it is to love them to the moon and back.

Grace upon grace

Please give me grace for where I am each day. Please forgive me when I flake out on plans because I just found a little sock and have now been crying on the floor for 20 minutes. Give me grace when I’m too afraid to let my living children out of my sight when you offer to babysit.

A few weeks ago another loss mom bravely posted about people asking her what they could do to support her family or others going through loss. Her response was spot on. She said show grace!

I couldn’t have thought of a better answer for what I feel so many who don’t know grief may not know were even asking for.

Please give me grace for where I am each day. Please forgive me when I flake out on plans because I just found a little sock and have now been crying on the floor for 20 minutes. Give me grace when I’m too afraid to let my living children out of my sight when you offer to babysit.

Give me grace when I don’t act as excited as you think I should be over this new pregnancy. I’m a mess of anxiety, hope, love and grief all blended into 1 head just trying to keep it together for this moment.

Give me grace when I flake out on the plans that involve kids who should be playmates of my dead child. When I think I will be strong enough for that birthday or shower, but when the moment comes I just can’t face it with a smile. For when we’d rather be thought of as rude for not coming than as the weird party goer hiding crying in the bathroom.

Give us grace when others don’t acknowledge our lost child and see us bear the knife wound of having to correct the number of children or leaving us just saying their names in our heads.

Please just still be my friend, but know I’m not the same. My life has a before and after moms and sometimes what seems so small and insignificant is so hard for us. Please be gentle and remember we are really trying to do the best we can, we just need some extra grace in our lives.

The Depth of Sibling Love

I’m continually amazed at how my 4 year old navigates this grief and death stuff better than me and most adults. Moments like National Siblings day make my heart break. I know she’s not the only child most see, and I know she will always remember she is not.

Last week at a Disney ice skating event I was really reminded how many freakin kids movies focus on siblings. Of course the big one Frozen came out, not before the emcee came out and asked the kids “who here had a sister?”

My brave bold girl stood up looked at me and said, “Can I tell her I have a brother!” And not even waiting for a response shouted “I have a brother named Logan!” My brave girl does a better job than I do telling strangers, I do have a brother, he just lives in heaven with Jesus. Usually the kid strangers just say “ok” and go on playing while their parents look awkwardly as I smile. Yup that’s our story, dead baby brother.

There’s other time it breaks my heart. She knows life isn’t a guarantee. With this pregnancy she’ll ask if we get to take this baby home? Will this baby die too? I have to be honest as I know far too well we aren’t guaranteed we will and tell her we’re hopeful we can take this baby home and it can live with us. We remind her and ourselves not all babies die, we have one living with us who proves this point.

I so wish we were able to have new pictures of them together. I’m sure Allie would have tried more than a time or 2 to dress him up and play that he was her living baby doll. I’m wish we had pictures of them messy from playing so fiercely together. There’s so much missing from our family pictures now. But I will hold those few precious days they got to share in the same room forever in my mind.

Learning to Stand Again

Easter and the celebration of heaven is reminding me I’m one day closer to being able to know for myself. One day these hard questions will be answered. Although we may all stray we will one day be finding our way back home. We are all dust and to dust we shall return.

I know I’ve heard people talk about having a blue Christmas, but I have yet to hear of a Blue Easter. I remember hearing my pastor say that “as a kid I loved Christmas so much, because presents. But as an adult he’s learned to love Easter more for what it’s promise is.”

That promise has been a struggle for me. I just feel a heaviness that there’s too many children in heaven. Although this life maybe a blip the same as the short life of a wildflower I’ve been struggling with those who didn’t get to live a full life.

Since after our church’s Good Friday service there’s been a prayer vigil going where members of the congregation take turns staying to pray. When it was my turn I first had to stop and catch my breath. This room where I last saw my sons body holds such a place of both love and heartbreak.

I was reminded that God wrote us and promised he’d be coming for us soon. His time is not my time. Its a hard thing to remember when I’m so ready to be able to run through greener pastures. I’m just standing here this Easter eve wondering what glory the angels are singing as they prepare to celebrate Jesus rising. Are they as restless as I feel? What is their heavenly song sounding like? Is Logan dancing with them?

Easter and the celebration of heaven is reminding me I’m one day closer to being able to know for myself. One day these hard questions will be answered. Although we may all stray we will one day be finding our way back home. We are all dust and to dust we shall return.

Hoping For A Rainbow

There is no safe time of pregnancy to announce where loss isn’t a possibility. I know that no matter the length or outcome of this pregnancy we won’t get through it alone. It takes a village.

A rainbow is a promise of sunshine after rain. Of calm after the storm, joy after sadness, peace after pain and love after loss.

Well, it’s come time for the post I didn’t know if I would one day get to write or if I would decide to share with the world. This time felt calmer and I’ve enjoyed my time with just keeping the circle small. I’m to the point where I’m ready to share this new part of our pregnancies journey. We are hopeful for a different ending, but loving this baby every moment we are able to spend together.

The real fear for me has been what reaction or stupid thing will I hear someone say and pretend I’m ok even when those words crushed me. It’s not that anyone is purposely trying to hurt me. I think everyone sees a baby as nothing but joy and innocence and it’s harder to explain when you’ve gone through an entire pregnancy only to not go home with your baby. The list below is the questions I dread and the basic answer is because it’s complicated!

1. “Is this your first?”

Ok, you don’t know how many miscarriages, abortions for medical reasons, stillborn, multiples who couldn’t thrive a woman has already had. This is way too complicated, especially considering miscarriage is 1 in 4 pregnancies! Unless you’re her doctor this makes no difference to you so please just stop!

2. “How many kids do you have already?”

I absolutely hate this question! Do I say 1, since she’s the only 1 living. Do I say 1 on Earth and 1 in heaven? This is actually my 4th pregnancy, but my 3rd only lived inside me for 10 weeks and we know so little. It’s a complicated question, so just don’t ask.

3. “Do you want a boy or girl?”

Ugh, I really just want a baby that cries after delivery who is breathing. Boy, girl or alien doesn’t matter to me. It gets more complicated after loss. A boy can remind me of what I’ve missed with Logan. But I also don’t want a boy that lives in the shadow of a dead child. A girl can be complicated because I’ll be thinking what she would be like with Logan, or wishing she would have been a boy like Logan. Like everything, it’s complicated!

4. “Are you excited?”

This is really a moment to moment question. I know it’s hard for most to think of a pregnancy as anything but exciting. There’s mixtures of excitement, hope, fears, anxiety, terrified. They all basically live together right now. So if I go from smiling one minute to crying uncontrollably it’s probably a combination of all of this plus you know pregnancy hormones!

5. “It’ll all workout. You deserve this after everything.”

Although I’d like to think I deserve that, I’ve felt that before and been completely broken. I’ve had to be reminded in the hardest of ways that we live in a broken world. I’ve lost well past the 12 week “danger zone” and then loss upon loss with our miscarriage. Sometimes there is no silver lining. Sometimes life just sucks.

7. “Are you doing anything different?”

So by doing different, I’m assuming you’re asking me, what will I do to try to not have my baby die? Well my 2 losses did not occur through any faults of my own or my care providers.

In case anyone doesn’t already know how this is not my fault: Logan moves in labor, his ultrasound 2 days prior was head down and no problems. Come delivery he went breech and landed on his cord when my water broke. The miscarriage I will never truly know, but most likely it was just not the right combo of cells to grow. Miscarriage happens 1 in 4 pregnancies. When we had our ultrasound during this we were told we were the 5th one that day. So if you haven’t suffered this loss, be thankful, but you most likely know several others who have.

The Missing Boots

As the seasons change and we enter into the crisper barren brown of fall, there’s something missing from it in my heart that cannot be filled.

Forever and always I will look forward to the fall. The change from the heat of the summer so heavily filled with Logan’s memory of his brief 1 day with us into a new chapter. It seemed fitting the first year after loss to watch the season change into a season where everything felt as barren and brown as I felt.

This fall I’ve smelt the crisper air and am once again hearing the cheers as the home football team scores a touchdown. I still am enjoying a new breath of fresher air from the summer heat. It starts a season that seems filled with kid-centric holidays and gatherings. From the pumpkin patches, to halloween where they seriously seem to knock down your door! And all of that just bleeds into Christmas and toys and innocence of Santa being able to grant a wish.

I can’t help but think as we move into the season it’s one more time without all of my children with me. As we walked amongst the apple trees I couldn’t help but see other families with siblings and wonder what ours would be like if they could have been here. There should be 2 on Earth and one still growing inside of me. That fact that any future child will be a 4th and not 2nd is a hard one to swallow. I know whenever someone asks me how many kids I have, they are probably not wanting the whole sad backstory. They mean merely to be polite and probably don’t really care whatever that number is.

It is something I still grapple with each day when to protect my heart from the pity stares of the truth or denying my true number of children. For me they know they are in my heart no matter what is seen in front of the world. I will always see another pair of shoes that should be filled.


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