It’s hard to see you as 3 and doing so much yourself. Last night I held your bear and it felt so light compared to how big your baby sister has grown. Logan you continue to make me so proud to be your mama.
This week has been a blur of doing a million summer memories, spending time together and also a time where we know our hearts are starting to feel heavier. There’s a 3 year old we aren’t going to be throwing your “traditional” birthday party for. Mostly because there’s no 3 year old boy to blow […]
I remember staring at the wall of the shower as the water poured over me. Arguing with God that I had already given him my son. Why did he take my Hope too? ⠀⠀ Why was I suffering and losing another child? I talk so much about Logan, but 2 years ago I walked into […]
Have you ever cried so much that you ran out of tears? ? Your swollen eyes just give out and dry up while a current of unrest still gushes through your soul. And you look up toward heaven in utter frustration. That was us!
My soul was crying and pleading with God to take this away from me. Make this not my sons story. As much as I pleaded I couldn’t change what was happening.
It is finished. I feel just exhausted from all of the heart work this took getting put onto paper. It’s taken me 929 days to write this and put the full story from my perspective down. It’s raw and I could keep editing it for years more I’m sure.
About 6 months after Logan died I met another loss mama a couple years further in her journey. She told me to keep looking for God in the details. She told me you probably can’t see it now, but there will come a time when you’ll see where God is in the details again. When […]
If you’re a part of the infant and pregnancy loss community you probably already know the term Rainbow Baby. A rainbow is a baby born after the storms of grief from miscarriage, still birth or death in infancy. It’s supposed to give us hope of new coming. It’s hard for me to explain how a […]
Please give me grace for where I am each day. Please forgive me when I flake out on plans because I just found a little sock and have now been crying on the floor for 20 minutes. Give me grace when I’m too afraid to let my living children out of my sight when you offer to babysit.
I’m continually amazed at how my 4 year old navigates this grief and death stuff better than me and most adults. Moments like National Siblings day make my heart break. I know she’s not the only child most see, and I know she will always remember she is not. Last week at a Disney ice […]
There is no safe time of pregnancy to announce where loss isn’t a possibility. I know that no matter the length or outcome of this pregnancy we won’t get through it alone. It takes a village.
Help break the silence and remember with us by lightning a candle at 7 pm for remembrance. Unfortunately our family is not alone in this unimaginable pain. No matter how small they mattered and are always a mystery of who they would’ve been. They matter because they were here, if only for a moment.
Each month we see pink for the warriors who have fought the battle of breast cancer. We see it in stores and even the football fields. This month few outside our community know that this month has had another dedication since October 25, 1988 when President Regan proclaimed this month Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. A month of remembrance of loss of those tiniest babies we hold in our hearts. https://tinyurl.com/ya342hte
As the seasons change and we enter into the crisper barren brown of fall, there’s something missing from it in my heart that cannot be filled.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. This most recent loss is not how I thought I would be introducing our third child to the internet world. We thank everyone who has supported us so much this week. I know many ask what they can do to help. Really I have no answer. In a state of shock I’m still trying to put my own oxygen mask on before helping others. Once I get some more oxygen I’ll let you know.
Some times the constant reminder you may have a trigger day coming is worse than the actual day. Some days it’s all around when you least expect it!
There’s maybe more meaning to the saying ‘an elephant never forgets’ than you thought you knew. These animals are gentle giants walking this Earth who have so much teach us.
If we haven’t already met, hi I’m Sara! I’m writing this blog for my son Logan. His time in this world was a brief 14 1/2 hours, but so much love was shared during his short time here. I write to families who have experienced grief, and to those who support them on their journeys. I […]
With both my pregnancies I signed up for the baby tracking apps. The ones which tell you your baby is now the size of a blueberry, raspberry, cauliflower and whichever random closeish sized fruit or vegetable is comparable. I loved getting the weekly updates and thinking how amazing it was that life was changing so dramatically within […]
Time will not change that. Time does not heal all wounds, it allows for a different perspective.
No matter what stage in life our children are not replaceable. No matter how many others I hold in my arms they will not be the one I lost.
I had every intention of writing this thank you months ago, but going back to the hospital in my mind is a place I can’t go often. It’s something I carefully have trained my mind to avoid to stay functional. In order to properly say this I needed to: I know that you did not […]
This guilt is a different monster. It is filled with questions like “If Only…”
“You failed to keep your baby alive”
“I had one job.”
“Why did I survive?”
“You failed your child.”