Have you ever cried so much that you ran out of tears? ? Your swollen eyes just give out and dry up while a current of unrest still gushes through your soul. And you look up toward heaven in utter frustration. That was us!
My soul was crying and pleading with God to take this away from me. Make this not my sons story. As much as I pleaded I couldn’t change what was happening.
It is finished. I feel just exhausted from all of the heart work this took getting put onto paper. It’s taken me 929 days to write this and put the full story from my perspective down. It’s raw and I could keep editing it for years more I’m sure.
The nights feel short in anticipation of the countdown coming. Bells will ring and celebrations that another new start is coming with the new year. For just a moment I’m pausing for my year of remembrance. My time to think about being further from your time on Earth.
About 6 months after Logan died I met another loss mama a couple years further in her journey. She told me to keep looking for God in the details. She told me you probably can’t see it now, but there will come a time when you’ll see where God is in the details again. When […]
October always hits hard. It’s a month for me that is a rush of doing all the fall activities and plan a birthday party right in the middle. Then when I start to catch my breath I’m hit with the social media posts reminding me it’s Infant Loss Awareness time of year. . My feed […]
Over the last 2 years I’ve known October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This year the milestone of this month came in like a quiet lamb and was fitting for the sunrise today. The benefit of having kids who decide to both wake up early is that you get to open the blinds […]
Today I’m so thankful for this little head that let’s me give it both kisses and tears. To soak up all of that new baby smell and feel the healing and heartbreak of holding her. . I remember imagining when I was pregnant with Logan what my maternity leave would look like. I imagined snuggling […]
There’s never a great time of year for grief. Back to school is one I hadn’t anticipated as hard as the Birthday child who never got to blow out his candles or the Christmas presents we wouldn’t be buying. It’s hard because it’s filled with complicated forms like list all of your child’s siblings and […]
If you’re a part of the infant and pregnancy loss community you probably already know the term Rainbow Baby. A rainbow is a baby born after the storms of grief from miscarriage, still birth or death in infancy. It’s supposed to give us hope of new coming. It’s hard for me to explain how a […]
With this pregnancy I am all too aware that I have no guarantee this will turn out any differently than our last two. Knowing that I am absolutely not in control over any part of each day of this pregnancy. Being all too aware of this lack of control gives me moments of anxiety, joy, excitement, confusion and grief. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t gone through a pregnancy loss and understood these emotions. It’s really reassuring to have a loss community of friends who remind me I’m not actually crazy, I’m just pregnant and grieving and they have to co-exist.
What a difference 1 year in your life can make. I was thinking back to last year, remembering the depths of the valley. It was approaching the first anniversary of Logan’s birth and death. A milestone where I should be arranging cute Pinterest worthy party and photos of him smashing a cake. Instead I was […]
This is my second Mother’s Day without all my children by my side. Another one with family pictures this morning missing one person who is so very much a part of this day. Being asked ‘ What do I want for this day?’ Really the answer is something that no one on this Earth can […]
Please give me grace for where I am each day. Please forgive me when I flake out on plans because I just found a little sock and have now been crying on the floor for 20 minutes. Give me grace when I’m too afraid to let my living children out of my sight when you offer to babysit.
I’m continually amazed at how my 4 year old navigates this grief and death stuff better than me and most adults. Moments like National Siblings day make my heart break. I know she’s not the only child most see, and I know she will always remember she is not. Last week at a Disney ice […]
Easter and the celebration of heaven is reminding me I’m one day closer to being able to know for myself. One day these hard questions will be answered. Although we may all stray we will one day be finding our way back home. We are all dust and to dust we shall return.