October is part of my favorite and also gut punches when I see it coming on the calendar. The thought of resting time coming, sweatshirts, leaves and the crispness it fills me with just joy. And then I also know, yup it’s coming again.
This is the month my feed gets filled with all my fellow loss moms. We remember that this is a month usually known widely as the “pink” month but our little subset knows too well you add a little baby blue there and we’re remembering too.
Today I honestly wasn’t prepared for what I knew would be coming on my feed. I wanted to look away, but also wanted to comment on every post and tell that mama how loved they are. How not alone they were.
Then today our community started to become mainstream when Chrissy Tiegan and John Legend announcer they sadly had lost their baby Jack during pregnancy Huffington Post.
The double gut punch of this stranger celebrity sharing a loss with the world. The more grief is recognized as love. Takes vulnerability of sharing this pain. It’s helping people see a husband grieving with her, it’s seeing the pain of what it means to be pregnant and suddenly not and not be holding your baby.
October will always be beauty and heartbreak like the grief that is remembered. It’s love and missing, joy and longing.
Well seems weird to be writing through yet more uncertain times. I wonder what precedented times are. Growing up my youth milestones were Columbine and a time of school before mass shooting drills were a norm. I sat through a day at school before smart phones and TVs were wheeled into classrooms to watch the news of 9/11. These past 3 years will certainly be what my daughters have for lasting memories of wow how weird was that.
These days it’s feeling so much more normal but also still not. It feels less normal when you know someone who had so much life left is hospitalized and passed so quickly. Going to church I was always happy to see his face and he helped me learn the cameras and technology that made enjoy tech team so much.
After 5 years of struggling with grief I can confidently say it never goes away. It changes and I think about those I miss every summer at the lake surrounded by dragonfly’s. I think m of the promise of them living above the water unable to tell us of the joy they can see. I still wish they could say hi for a moment.
Recently I’ve watched a friend walk through some deep waters. I’ve seen the posts on Facebook posting updates on the situation and each day I see the “How can I help”.
Here’s the thing the person going through whatever grief and struggle you are asking for is the last person who needs one more thing to decide on in life.
Here’s how you help. You show up!
You call and say “I’m coming over with milk and all the crappy snacks for you and your kids. Because let’s face it going inside a grocery store and answering “how’s it going?” Mindlessly isn’t really something anyone in struggle wants.
Is it sunny outside, now the lawn. Did it snow? Come show up with a shovel.
Call and say I’m coming over and doing your laundry and if you need a nap I’m a babysitter.
Show up with all the freezer meals and gift cards for delivery, because yes hot meals really do fill hearts too.
Show up however that looks. Here’s the secret to grief and hard roads. It takes someone strong enough to say I’m coming over to sit and talk or not talk. I’m here if you just want to cry together and not talk.
So start thinking what would you want. What did you do for your family tonight? Chances are those simple basics are what others need too.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. But what to fill with the one who is not here? The lonely stocking meant to be filled with excitement and childhood wonder.
This year I’ve chosen to do more things to protect myself and my heart. I’m not putting the pressure to organize projects and ceremonies where I will hear his name heard again. I’m realizing more this year that it will still be heard and thought by so many. I don’t need a special ceremony or project to know he’s still being thought of.
Last Christmas I felt such a need to educate, to have Logan not forgotten. I know going into this Christmas my job is more than done. He could never be forgotten, at least in my house he will always have a spot there where his stocking is hung and filled with wishes of what this Christmas would’ve been.
My wish this Christmas is that his stocking will be filled with love by those around us. For his birthday we wrote messages and sent them in balloons to heaven. This year I plan to write Logan a letter of what my favorite memories are from this year. What I think he would’ve liked and what he’d be seeing in our house this Christmas. I’m planning on filling it in his Christmas stocking and keeping it so that each year I can revisit my memories.
I would love for anyone else who has memories or would like a chance to fill his stocking with a picture, note or drawing to send it to me. Can be a text, email or snail mail. I think this will be a great project to look through the years at what our favorite parts of each year have been and show that he’s still a part of it even with him gone.
If you aren’t able to share something, please do a Random Act of Kindness for someone in his memory. The world is better because he was here, even for the short moment it was. Please share that memory with someone else.
I love going back to look at this photo! It is something I tell myself almost everyday! You can do hard things, you can do amazing things!
I want my kids to know that they are so capable of big dreams. More than what their career and jobs will look like one day in an adult future (and #timeslowdown), I want them to be capable of being amazing people!
I want them to be kind, be generous, be thoughtful and teach others how to live this kind of life!
A while ago I heard about parenting backwards. Meaning raise your kids thinking about the adults you want them to become. It’s hard, because I want them to stay this age, but I want them to have these awesome adult skills.
So right now I’m just focusing on showing them all the amazing things they will do! Because these kids will move mountains 🏔
Just your Monday PSA, that no one has it all figured out. That awesome blogger who has her kids hair combed and smiling at the camera with a fresh “homemade dinner” probably has a pile of dishes next to the camera and a million out with kids having meltdowns!
That mom who is managing all the activities and career is probably struggling with guilt that there’s not enough quality time while trying do #allthethings
No one has it all totally figured out! Be the best you can with what you know right now!
Faith it til you make it my fellow #bossbabes
Let’s have a little coffee chat, shall we! Pull up a stool and sit down. There’s a few things you should know about me before we move any further. I’m messy and caffeinated woman who believes she can change the world.
I’m far from perfect but I am driven and grounded. I know I’m changing the world because I’ve got a tribe of wonderful friends. My friends are full of women who have young kids, have grown kids, don’t have kids, maybe still feel like kids. I have a special place in my heart for my fellow #infantlossmama friends. I hate being apart of this community, but I also have met the most real people in it.
This world needs more women who are amazing supportive and rooting for each other! Share this message with another woman who may need to know #tribelife and community aren’t just for 1 type of person! You don’t have to be one type of person to be in a tribe!
I’m Sara, and as long as I could remember I have thought about the excitement of becoming a mama.
Taking this journey has made my heart swell. July 26, 2016 this little guy was born and forever changed everything. I am more grateful than anything that I get to share his 14.5 hours of life story.
Suffering the loss of a full-term baby and a miscarriage shortly after I wanted help. I wanted community, emotional help, and I just wanted to feel healthier. My hearts goal is to equip other mama’s with education, empowerment and love.
Get in Touch
I’d love to connect with you and hear your story. And in case no one told you today
“You are doing amazing! You are built for great things. And you look fabulous!”
It’s hard to see you as 3 and doing so much yourself. Last night I held your bear and it felt so light compared to how big your baby sister has grown. Logan you continue to make me so proud to be your mama.
It’s hard to see you as 3 and doing so much yourself. Last night I held your bear and it felt so light compared to how big your baby sister has grown. Logan you continue to make me so proud to be your mama.
How I wish I could give you a hug and tell you about all the people who love you so. It’s a day I thought I was prepared for and was still moved by the complex feelings it brings.
I look for signs from you everywhere, and long to be closer to you. You should be here with us at a park or pool or somewhere happy today. I will spend the rest of my life looking for moments filled with Logan. This is the long version of our short hello, until we meet again baby boy. #onedaycloser
It started at a normal 36 week check up. “This position doesn’t feel right!” Not words you want to hear from your midwife😟 “Let’s do an ultrasound. I’m pretty sure this baby is sideways!” Sure enough, baby was side ways. I was told try spinning babies, look into acupuncture. And if I went into labor come in immediately. Babies can come out with heads and butts but not backs, so I’d be having a guaranteed C-section! Another ultrasound in a week was scheduled and a consult for trying to flip baby if there wasn’t movement before then! Well a C-section just wasn’t what I wanted for my birth plan so I tried it all. Showed up on Friday 37 weeks hoping to not have to have them try to flip baby. Hoping the stretches and acupuncture helped baby move. I really have no idea if it’d worked, I felt kicks but how was I supposed to know a butt from a head in there🤷🏼♀️ The ultrasound tech told me, you’re baby is head down! You don’t need to see the doctor, everything looks good. The next Monday I showed up at work and hearing from people “I was sure this was the weekend you’d be in labor!” I was 38 weeks and felt ready for the pregnancy stage to be over, but my oldest went to 39+6 so I was pretty sure I’d still have another week at least with this pregnancy. I finished my day and headed home. We’d made lasagna and joked with my husbands brother that I’d had a few contractions that day. How he was on babysitting duty for the oldest until a grandma could come from across the state. I’d had 2 contractions in our mealtime, but still felt really good. They were really spaced apart and then stopped. So I went upstairs and got Allison bathed and ready for bed. Then I decided I felt the need to lay down and told hubby he was doing stories. I felt like something might be happening and I needed to rest. It was about 9 pm and I decided to try a bath. It was what helped me most in my 1st labor and maybe it’d help me relax. I finally got out and payed in bed while Kevin times my contractions. I still felt it was so early to time anything, but he wasn’t believing me.
By 10pm they were 7 minutes apart. We thought we’d give it a little more time to get to the 5 minute mark before coming into the hospital. Then laying in bed a contraction broke my water. It was a gush of water down my legs that had me questioning, did I just pee myself or was that my water😆I jumped out of bed and rushed to the toilet trying to wipe and checking for blood and meconium while Kevin called the midwife to let her know and that we were on our way. Contractions had already increased to 5 minutes apart.
In the few minutes it took to change and have our neighbor over to stay until Kevin’s brother got here the contractions just kept coming. The timer said by 10:30 they were already 2.5 minutes apart! We rushed into the car for the 25 minute drive to the hospital and called to have them meet us at the ER!
I’m sure by this point I was in transition, but had adrenaline going and was still able to talk through my contractions.
We pulled in and who knew there were 2 ER doors 🚪 we of course went to the one that they weren’t waiting at! We were met by the nurse who wheeled me upstairs while Kevin parked the car. My hair was down in front of my face and she grabbed a ponytail, whipped it in a bun and wheeled me upstairs. They skipped triage and I went straight to a labor room. They put me on a monitor and I thought thank goodness I didn’t have a baby on the side of the interstate!
I heard lots of scrambling and then they had the ultrasound over. “I’ve got a pulse on ultrasound, but it’s breech. Call the OB and OR. We’re coming NOW! She’s complete!” Right then Kevin was finally back. They had me switch on a moving bed. I grabbed his hand and said “what is happening?” He looked at me, “It’s breech, it’s going to be a C-Section.”
Because it was an emergency section and I was going under general anesthesia Kevin couldn’t come into the OR with me. He stood outside the doors with the nurse who had first wheeled me up to labor and delivery. He waited and called our moms unsure what to even say, he had no idea what was happening to either of us.
I was trying to keep it together and now think of anything I could to stall labor, but my body doesn’t like to labor slowly. All I know is I start having contractions and then in a matter of minutes I seem to have a baby.
It was a mess of noise in the OR, lots of moving and sounds while I closed my eyes and tried not to push. The OB asking my name, and what we were doing today. I remember saying we’re getting the baby out. Then I remember feeling the need to push and being told to stop. Then the nurse saying “she can’t help it she’s at a 10!” Then they counted down and I was out for surgery.
I’ve had people and medical records to piece together the actual birth part at 12:02 when he entered the world 🌎 Logan was indeed breech and lodged his head was also stuck in my rib cage. He’d also swallowed meconium. Then when he was out he wasn’t responsive. The threading heartbeat from the ultrasound was gone. They worked for 15 minutes on him trying to revive him, then when they were about to call it when a nurse found a faint heartbeat 💗
I’m not really sure how much time passes in surgery until I woke up in recovery I remember being fuzzy and seeing Kevin.
Kevin told me the midwife came and said there wasn’t a heartbeat. He wasn’t sure if she meant me or the baby. Then she told him it was a boy and that they weren’t getting him to be able to take a breath.
I think the first thing I asked when I woke was “where’s the baby?” Then hearing that he’s in the NICU. They were wanting to transfer him to a higher level nicu, but they were going to wheel him by my room before transferring. I learned we’d had a boy, and that the gender was no longer the biggest surprise of our night.
They told me it’d be 15 minutes without a pulse. I’d just refreshed on CPR and remembered after 7 it’s pretty much brain dead. And just kept thinking 15 minutes is too long. They told Kevin he could go to the NICU to see him and that our doula would stay with me. The pains of surgery were starting to set in and my legs were shaking uncontrollably and I was trying not to vomit 🤢 all over everything!
I remember thinking I’m high on morphine and going to have to make the hardest choices of my life.
I can remember Kevin calling and asking if Logan Michael was ok for his name. We’d been on the fence for days about a middle name and he needed a name to be transferred. Then when they were getting close to the transfer our photographer came back to capture us and baby meeting before transfer.
Then Kevin walked back in with the neonatologist. Kevin said he just kept having seizures and then the extent of the brain damage was explained. The doctor explained all his risks of a transfer and the amount of brain damage she was seeing. Then she carefully explained our 2 options for Logan.
Let him die with us and make him as comfortable as we could with us or try to continue treatments transferring him to a higher level NICU.
Our seemingly normal labor 3 short hours earlier these were not the options I was thinking of making for my baby. I knew that I couldn’t bear the thought of him dying away from me. I knew that it was a huge risk that he’d even survive the drive across town. I couldn’t let him be in someone else’s arms in that moment before I’d even met him. I couldn’t bear to put him through treatment that would still likely never allow him to come home.
We looked at each other and just felt the weight of what we were having to decide. Are we taking away his chance at life to be selfish and keep him near us? Was it selfish to try to continue treatment? I kept thinking about how long he’d be without oxygen and how much he’d already been through. Kevin had seen first hand how frail he really was and the beginning promises of transferring and getting me recovered to be discharged to be with him were a forgotten memory.
We knew that he needed to be with us. We wanted to hold him and have his death be a peaceful place not filled with machines and strangers. They told us they’d get me set up in my recovery room and then bring him in.
Then they asked us about who to call. Would our 2 1/2 year old be ready to meet her brother who was going to die? I remember thinking how am I going to explain this to her. She knew a new baby was coming, how do I explain death to her? My friend who was our photographer came to sit by me and asked will it be any easier to explain it if she doesn’t get to meet her brother? I really think she should be here. It was the push I needed to think about what her grief needs would be and we woke up Kevin’s brother and said get down her.
Around this same time my mom arrived, making the 3 hour midnight drive from Arkansas. I felt relief knowing she’d made it before he’d died.
We sat in post op calling Kevin’s parents, and trying to reach our pastor to see if he could baptize Logan for us. We didn’t have his number, so we tried Facebook, and calling all our friends to try to reach him. We finally found someone who had his number, but he wasn’t answering. So he ended up driving at 4am to his house to knock on the door to wake him up!
We finally got wheeled into recovery after what felt like days since I still hadn’t seen my baby boy. I remember wheeling me to a corner, and asking for more morphine as I was jostled around and felt like my stomach was going to split open again.
Then when I was finally settled, they wheeled in the bassinet with all the cords and machine noises and our little boy in the middle.
They slowly unhooked him from the beeping machines and moved his swaddled body over to my bed. I held Kevin’s hand and held my breath. I knew these would be the precious few moments we’d have together.
Then his doctor placed him in my arms and I felt my heart break over seeing his perfect face. And I heard his struggle of a squeak as he tried to breathe.
We held him and cried over knowing we’d be giving him back. We cried knowing that he would never know life outside of this hospital. We would never see him take a first step, or smile at the sound of our voices. We knew these small hours were his only with us.
Shortly after he was taken off of life support and in my arms big sister came with Uncle Justin. All she did was look with pride that her baby brother was here. I can’t even remember how we tried to explain death to her. I think she understand mommy had an owie from the baby coming out and that he couldn’t come home.
I remember her saying he’s not opening his eyes. It’s probably the part that stuck with her the most. My whole pregnancy with Joanna she kept saying “mommy, do you really hope this baby will open her eyes?” And when Joanna was born she was worried that her first picture she saw her eyes were closed.
She was the face of joy celebrating that he was born, reminding us that even though our hearts were being shredded into pieces that the moment of meeting him was still so amazing!
We had our photographer take our picture as a family of 4. I kept thinking I hadn’t showered, my hair is still in the sweaty bun the nurse helped me with as I was wheeled in. I’m a crying mess on morphine and this is my only picture as the 4 of us! How messed up is this right now?
We made footprint and handprints trying to remember every moment. We held him and just told him how much we loved him. Around 8 our pastors came and prayed over him and baptized him. We texted what we could manage to a few friends letting them know he wouldn’t be able to come home, not yet ready for phone calls. We called our bosses and told the short story that something went wrong, we were ok, but we’d be planning a funeral and wouldn’t be at work for a while.
Our nurse asked me if I had thought about my milk coming in. I surprisingly had, I knew I was going to pump and donate. I’d donated before and knew it was my one gift I could give from this mess onto someone else. We never put him down his whole 14 1/2 hours of life. He was held in the arms of love for those short seconds of life. By the afternoon his breathing had weakened and his first bright rosy cheeks were becoming more ashen. We knew he only had minutes left.
We asked everyone to leave and Kevin kneeled on the floor as we both held Logan and cried. Have you ever cried so much that you ran out of tears? ? Your swollen eyes just give out and dry up while a current of unrest still gushes through your soul. And you look up toward heaven in utter frustration. That was us! I felt the Holy Spirit in those moments more than any place I have been. I felt an anger at God that these were my only moments and that I was forgotten. I felt cheated. I thought of all my friends with babies that were in their arms and here I was giving my son back to God at less than 1 day old.
We asked our pastor came and prayed and sat with us as we said our goodbye saying we will see you one day again. We then let the rest of our family in and held hands and prayed and sung “Jesus loves the little children.” After a while the nurse had asked if they could take him and we could get sleep. At this point we’d been up for about 36 hours straight. They assured me that if I wanted him back during the night they would bring him back. I reluctantly let him go, and tried to think of him going to the nursery rather than the morgue.
Our hospital didn’t have a cuddle cot which would’ve given him more time in our room. Now I’ve learned about these amazing devices that help keep the babies body cool and allows for less time saying repeated goodbyes as the baby goes to the morgue. My nurse tried to help me finally move out of bed and I felt like my stomach was being ripped open again now realizing I’d still have recovery from the c section to get through.
My midwife asked if I wanted something to help me sleep. I said, sure I guess I’ll take anything you’re giving at this point and finally drifted to sleep. I still had to be waken up for vitals and the fun massaging of the uterus. Just another reminder my stomach was empty and this was an awful reality. The next morning I asked for Logan back as soon as I woke up. I’d asked my mom to try to pick up some more clay for footprints. I remember her getting to the hospital and saying, the clerk said “have a nice day, I just thought what is wrong with the world for still going on? This is not a nice day.” We called our friend and photographer and asked if she could come back and do pictures of us as a family with him before the funeral home had to come to get him.
We took more pictures and then after it was becoming more evident that his skin needed to go back into a cooler we reluctantly tucked him back into his crib with his blanket and teddy bear as the nurse wheeled him away. Later that evening we made a call to the funeral home our pastor recommended and they came to pick up Logan and take him back to the funeral home. I spent the next days reading blogs and Pinterest finds about planning a funeral for a baby, looking for someone who had walked this path and was still functioning.
Tonight Talking to Allie these past few days about how Logan is turning 3, it hit me how much 3 hurts. I mean I know by now this is hard, but 3 is an age that I just loved.
It’s almost how old Allie was when Logan was born. It’s an age where they can really understand parts of the world around them. They are curious and also, it means the end of diapers and the beginning of preschool.
I wish 3 was looking a little different for this little baby. He should be looking like his sisters with big blue eyes and that sweet dimple chin.
This week has been a blur of doing a million summer memories, spending time together and also a time where we know our hearts are starting to feel heavier.
There’s a 3 year old we aren’t going to be throwing your “traditional” birthday party for. Mostly because there’s no 3 year old boy to blow out his candles here.
Big sis has more empathy and love for him and us than I ever knew could exist. I’ve been feeling on edge, and after the 3rd potty break in 20 minutes I lost it🤯
At bedtime I apologized if mommy and daddy felt angry these last few days. Sometimes our sadness comes out in ways of yelling or frustration. It’s really that we just miss Logan and are mad he’s not here right now.
Then she said “Mommy, I feel that way too! I get sad when I get in trouble sometimes when really I’m just sad and miss him too❤️!”
My mama heart melted thinking of her behavior this way, and how dumb me didn’t put it together! Then she said probably the most profound thing that could come from Glitter Force
“it’s like on my show when the dark cloud comes over your heart. It doesn’t stay forever, but you just feel different when it’s there! But I know it goes away and gets lighter 🌈”
I mean this kid will be moving mountains one day, and maybe one of the best therapists I know, who can make a pretty brainless tv show have a bigger meaning! Friday is coming and I feel that weight knowing the anniversary/birthday/death day are all so freakin close.
This next week I maybe writing a little more, because it makes me feel lighter and that the dark clouds on my heart break for a few moments! So if you don’t want to read emotional stuff, see pictures of my son, then check back after the 26th😉 but even then I won’t ever apologize for the uncomfortable feelings you may have! He is my son, and deserves to be shared and loved just as much as his sisters are!
I may not be the the best room mom. The mom who has homemade snacks ready at all times. I may say we’re having chicken nuggets for the 4th night in a row, because sometimes I just value the silence and a kid who actually eats something.
But when we’re playing at a park or pool with new kids I can’t help but be proud of this kid. She is the best big sister who introduces her baby sister to any kid and then quickly says, we have a brother and another baby sister, but they died.
I’m sure not many of the kids understand what that means. But they accept the acknowledgement and then they all move onto play.
I hope to one day be as good as she is at grief. She’s not always looking for sympathy, she’s looking for acknowledgment, there should be more kids here. They both acknowledge it and say well, let’s go slide instead.
One day this kid will be blowing us all away with how she can talk to others!
I remember staring at the wall of the shower as the water poured over me. Arguing with God that I had already given him my son. Why did he take my Hope too?
Why was I suffering and losing another child? I talk so much about Logan, but 2 years ago I walked into the ER with my 3 year old on my hip, hoping the bleeding wasn’t what I’d feared. That this baby was supposed to be our renewal, our “Baby Love”.
Instead we got the news we feared, there’s no longer a heartbeat, and baby love had stopped growing 4 weeks prior.
I thought afterwards that maybe having another baby in our house wasn’t something I was meant to walk again. If you’ve walked a miscarriage or infant loss, you know the fear feels are so real.
Joanna I’m thankful that you helped me through my fears, my anger, my tears. If we’d had baby love we might not have had you. I wish I could be holding all 4 of you babies, and one day in heaven I will hold you sweet baby love!
What a strange day this is. I think it’s usually full of expectations that rarely are all fulfilled. A day that’s hard for women waiting to be moms, wanting all her kids in a picture, babies that weren’t big enough to hold. If you are missing your child, longing for one wanting this day to be looking different, I see you, I feel you and I understand all the feelings of this day.⠀⠀
If you are blessed enough to have all of your children in a picture you have no idea how blessed you are. I am holding 2 girls who have taught me so much about life and my 2 in my heart ❤️ who have taught me more about love.
You have all made me a mom and made me understand and appreciate all the Mom’s in my life. Happy Mothers’ Day to the many amazing women and moms who have shaped me and my girls. To the moms that are watching my babies in heaven for me. #whatshehastaughtme is how to love and that love never goes away!
Looking at them makes me want to celebrate and smile. So many times I felt like I see other families that have a child and have a new pregnancy and they either totally disappear from social media or they only talk about the new baby.
Allison is struggling with not being the only kid in the house and is learning how to navigate this sisterhood she never knew in this way with Logan.
It’s a hard place to be to celebrate the new and the gifts that have taken literal years to create and mountains that we’re moved. But I also have to celebrate what brought me here. Without losing Logan baby Love we wouldn’t be holding Jojo.
So how do you celebrate both? It’s a hard place to be this Mother’s Day. It’s not easy to describe this confusion of joy and sorrow over having and missing it all.
To my fellow moms who know this, know I feel you and I’m sure I’m not alone. Tell me all your beautiful children (on earth and heaven!) and I’d love to pray for them as we go into this hard weekend!
How has 8 months gone by so fast? Joanna you bring so much sunshine my rainbow girl! You seem happy just to be apart of the action and want so badly to crawl and keep up with those big kids.
Selfishly I’d be happy if you stayed in this stage of moms my favorite person of all time and I can’t crawl away yet! And the stage of going past the colicky nights trying to figure this day and night stuff out!
This feels like a sweet spot that will be gone in a blink!
I remember as a kid hearing from my pastor that he loved Easter 🐣 more than Christmas 🎄 as a kid I together was crazy! Who would pick hard boiled eggs over presents?????
Since understanding loss and longing for heaven I appreciate this time so much differently than I did before. I understand the hardness of Saturday. The grief and death of Friday, but Sunday hasn’t come yet.
I know I’m walking in a perpetual Saturday. I’m here doing the happy Easter things, but I’m also ready for the reunion that comes in heaven. No longer broken and separated from my child who doesn’t live in this chaotic home!
So many mixed emotions come with parenting a child on Earth and one in heaven. I know my kids get it when I’m off in my dream world and sad that I’m thinking about their brother. When we’ve read the story of the cave, they already understand the sadness of Mary going there.
Y’all Sunday is coming and I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the reunion that it will be when heaven and earth 🌍 meet!
Can I tell you what I’ve been really awesome at doing this week……talking to myself like I’m dirt.
I mean things that if I heard come out of my daughters mouth I’d be saying “excuse me? Go clean your mouth and try that again because that’s not how I’ve raised you!”
I have basically been treating myself as a punching bag! Saying I’m not good enough. I’m a failure. I’m undeserving of love. I’ll never be who I was.
A lot of this I know enough now to recognize as grief taking up its space in my heart and reminding me it’s my constant companion. Part of it is exhaustion. Part of it is just motherhood is hard and all mama’s know the guilt trips we give can be epic!
I’ve talked to stay at home moms, 9-5 office moms, working from home moms, we all think we’re not doing enough and it is a lie we all believe. Because we know we want to try to do it all.
The truth is we are all only human. We are not the same people we were in years before kids and knowing what exhausted really means! I wouldn’t go back to being that girl. She had a big heart ❤️ but she was so also so clueless.
My fellow moms whether we’ve met in person or not thankful for you! You remind me when I’m down of how amazing myself and my kids are! You remind me I’m not alone and it takes a village. You remind me I’m not crazy I’m grieving!
“I love you to the moon 🌙 and back “ is what this shirt says. I remember vividly the hot July day when I found this in the clearance rack of winter stuff no one would be wearing for a while.
I remember thinking big sister has a nightgown with this same saying. How cute will they be matching! Then this shirt sat sadly in a closet for years. Big sister has long outgrown her matching shirt, but the love still remains.
The clothes that were set aside from big brother are growing fewer and in a few short weeks I’m sure this last shirt of his will no longer fit. It is one of his last things that I will be putting away.
I’m glad I will have memories of seeing your sister grow big enough to wear it, but oh how I wish you’d worn it too!
So it’s way easier for me to take and post pictures of my kids. They’re cute easy and also love to be the center of attention, making photos usually easy!
I’ve been following some friends advice and getting into the photos more! I’ve been trying to do this for them and myself. Show them that I was there through these moments, because I’m not just #documentingmotherhood for them it’s as much a diary for me and this stage of life.
Tonight we’re going to take some family photos. Because I realized I have only 1 real photo of the 4 of us since Jojo was born! Yeah I need to remember my husband is in this too! Because he was gone just a few days this week and everyone was ready for him to get back ASAP!
Of course this means having to pick some kinda outfits and look like I didn’t use dry shampoo for the 3rd day in a row! Thankfully I have lots of photographer friends who have been helping me out in how this whole picking outfits thing goes! Check my stories for outfit options and give me all the advice!
Sometimes parenting both kids on heaven and Earth is so hard. I know Logan is still with us, but the grief isn’t the same grief that was so at the forefront 2 years ago.
Tonight we were able to take time for all our kids and have a picnic at Logan’s grave. Allie always wants to run and check on his toys when we get here. It’d been a long winter and we hadn’t gotten to check on him with us all together in a long time.
As we were visiting I noticed this green orb floating across my phone camera. I looked around and there was nothing actually there. I looked down at my phone and it was still there. I quickly turned it on video. Thinking that surely I just had it on some filter. As I filled the orb followed Allie and then disappeared.
I’m not one to normally believe in orbs and weird crazy symbolism, but when you’re looking for signs from heaven and wondering where it is and then you see this. It’s hard not to see that as meaningful.
I looked up what green orbs mean, and it symbolizes healing and nature sending healing energy. I couldn’t think of anything more symbolic of where my heart is right now.
Missing you little boy. You are loved and missed to the moon and back.