The Difference of a Year

What a difference 1 year in your life can make. I was thinking back to last year, remembering the depths of the valley. It was approaching the first anniversary of Logan’s birth and death. A milestone where I should be arranging cute Pinterest worthy party and photos of him smashing a cake. Instead I was planning on sending seeds to make sure he wasn’t forgotten.

I was still in the shock that my first pregnancy after Logan had already ended. The short 10 weeks I’d had thinking about a Christmas with a new baby had already ended. Another reminder of my hopes that were not coming true.

It’s approaching that time of year again where although I’m in a different spot I still am very much remembering that valley. Being pregnant and so close to the same time of year when Logan was born is filled with emotions. So much of his pregnancy I seem to have forgotten. It’s all swallowed by his entrance and exit to this world. I find myself trying to remember if the kicks I feel now are just like his were looking for my lost memories with him.

It’s the excitement that my arms will be full again in a matter of weeks, but also the cautious realization that they may not get to always stay so full. It’s answering questions like “hope the nursery is ready!” with a smile and nod. While I think, it’s been ready for 2 years. I remember sitting in the hospital thinking that Jewish tradition is you don’t set up the nursery or buying things until the baby is born. I now so understand that logic of protecting yourself from that pain of taking it down. It’s one I just haven’t been able to bear. I left the nursery door closed for over a year before finally deciding it was time to at least some light in and acknowledge it was there.

I’ve told myself to not pressure myself for Logan’s birthday this year. He is not forgotten, and those who know us remind us of this. Last year I needed actions for myself to do something to see his name out in the world. This year I know that the build-up through July is probably going to be worse than his actual birth/death day. I know how to prepare myself and give myself grace when right now I just don’t have the energy for pool parties and summer kid activity craziness.

I know this time next year could be looking much different again, but at the moment I’m just going to focus on getting through this season. And maybe reflecting next year will be different, but there will still be missing kids from our family photos. There will still be a July next year to face.

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