A rush of memory

I’m not really sure where I am right now. I’ve had a strange rush of Facebook memories that have been reminding me of what trajectory my life was once headed. I see pictures of my daughter a year ago and remember how excited she was to give her baby brother hugs inside my womb. I remember Logan kicking my ribs and the constant craving for mint taste and the heartburn I had. 

I long for that easier life. I remember just being ready to meet him and for our life to become a family of 4. 

Life has changed so much in this past year. In ways I never thought before. 

I have heard so many times “you are so brave.” Or “so strong.”

But this wasn’t a challenge I had chosen. I’m not actually any of these things. I’m just trying to get through each day. I don’t want to be a grief role model. I don’t want to. I wanted the normal before grief and a constant ache from the empty feeling in my arms. 

As his birthday is getting closer I feel his name get mentioned less than before. I think it gets easier for him to be the elephant in the room maybe thought about, but not mentioned. I was so desperate to hear his name one day when I ordered my coffee I gave my name as Logan, just to hear someone call it out loud. 

I will never be able to yell his name as he takes forever getting ready or to keep him from running into the street. I won’t have that exasperated name I yell as I’ve told him for the 10th time to pick up his room. It’s a small thing, but it felt so good to hear out loud. I have so many future memories without him, I am still struggling with how to incorporate him into them without him here.