Not Where I Thought I’d Be

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. This most recent loss is not how I thought I would be introducing our third child to the internet world. We thank everyone who has supported us so much this week. I know many ask what they can do to help. Really I have no answer. In a state of shock I’m still trying to put my own oxygen mask on before helping others. Once I get some more oxygen I’ll let you know.

There’s so many days I wake up and think I can’t believe this is our life. This week has been a rough reminder that this has not been a terrible dream. It continues to be a nightmare from which we cannot awaken.

At the end of April we had found out that we were expecting our 3rd child. We were a complex emotions of happy, scared, nervous, excited. The beginning of this pregnancy was something we didn’t take as lightly as we had before Logan. We had decided right away we would be telling our close family and friends as soon as possible because frankly the ’12 weeks rule’ is the stupidest nonsensical rule.

Looking from the other side of loss I have no idea why people think it’s good to not make others uncomfortable should something happen. When really all it does is leave a couple isolated in grief because no one knew the joy there were expecting to have. It doesn’t matter how early it happens. There is a loss of plans, of hopes and dreams. There are birthdays, graduations, and sports games that will never happen. It’s not just the loss of the pregnancy, it’s the loss of what you hoped a new future with your child would be. 

This gets me to this past week. A week ago Sunday I noticed some bleeding. I prayed for it to be anything except for what we feared. It continued off and on and by Monday night we had decided for our own sanity we needed an ultrasound and went to the hospital. The doctor confirmed our fears that we would soon be losing this pregnancy too. Our child had stopped growing at 6 weeks and had no heartbeat. We were expecting it to have been closer to 10 1/2 weeks and be changed from the first embryo we had seen weeks ago. 

I’m thankful that I have so many loss friends who had told me things to prepare me for my miscarriage. I wanted to scream at the doctor when he told me it would be ‘just like a period!’

Firstly hearing from any man about what women really experience in a period, hormones and the truly wife variations of my own normal cycle is truly laughable. I don’t care how much schooling he’s had. Unless you’ve personally experienced it just shut your mouth! 

Secondly, in typical periods I don’t have mini contractions that have me bed ridden, and eventually pass a placenta and fetus! I imagine most people reading this would say that is not a ‘normal period’ where the utmost beginnings of life are passed! I don’t normally experience my milk coming in like a period, or nausea that kept me closely confined to my bed and bathroom floor for 2 days. 

I should’ve screamed at him to stop perpetuating this lie! A miscarriage Is Not A Period! It is labor and birth and raw and is a loss of so many things! 

I myself will no longer be personally endorsing the ’12 weeks rule.’ It is true those are the most volatile weeks in a woman’s pregnancy. The risk of miscarriage dramatically decreases after this time, but really there is no ‘safe’ time where we’re guaranteed that the baby will be safe. 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage before 20 weeks. 1 in 4 babies die between conception to 1 year. 1 in 160 babies die stillborn or within 48 hours. 

This is not an uncommon experience to be kept in the corner. Although I cannot marvel over the wrinkles, toes and beautiful face of this child I will forever carry my short memories and excitement of their impending arrival. I will mourn the due date which will never come. The unfulfilled dreams for them I cannot share o this earth with them are forever missed. 

Author: Beyondthewillows

I'm a wife, mother to two incredible children. One on Earth and one in heaven.

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